July 03, 2007
When you rang me last night (to tell me that you were eating a rice cake), I felt my biceps contracting, wanting to reach through the ether and hold you. When I kissed you goodbye before dawn on Monday, you woke up ever so slightly, smiled, said "Daddy", and lay your hand on my face. I know, now, how it is that people can walk away from their kids and loved ones to go on business trips. They do it by steeling themselves, and by making lots of phonecalls home.
Also, in your father's case, by buying a new videogame to play in the work-furnished beige anonymous apartment.
I'll not be gone as long as I'd originally thought, and will be home to share the weekend with you the weekend after next. Of course, in the timescale of a two year old boy, that is about 4000 years, so I'm glad that I have photos of you and get to talk to you often.
Not, it should be said, that you really "get" the whole concept of telephones yet. The number of things you DO get is still astonishing us every day, most notably you have recently been showcasing your ability to count to ten (although you're not quite at the point of remembering ALL the numbers ALL the time, you DO hit the important ones. Fives are your favourite.)
We also keep finding out stuff that you already know, that we haven't taught you. Just the other day, we were at your MaMa and DadDad's house, and you pointed at the TV screen and said "castle" (rightly). The feeling of pride that got me was almost overwhelmed by the sense of confusion. As parents, I think that one makes an assumption that our child learns only what we teach them. This is clearly not the case.
You're also learning about social networks. You're fascinated by babies, to the point of asking us if we can go and visit your mate Finn (who is a tiny wee bebe). You also have friends at daycare that you know by name, and demand to see fairly often.
I'm sad that I'm going to miss two weeks of your constant changes. I'm sad that I have to be away from you.
I'm happy, though, that being away from you is making it possible for me to provide a more stable base from which you can grow, and learn, and play and eat.
I'm glad that I'm able to feel within myself that I am becoming the most important thing to be for you.