I'm going to couch this by saying that I'm going to be very careful to make sure that the lies I tell you are for your own good, and that I will only ever shield you from the harsh truths of this world, but I'm fairly sure that this isn't true, and that it's likely that I could easily fall into the trap of telling you lies purely for my own amusement.
I hope I'm going to be able to restrain myself from being that petty, but I'm just warning you about it now. Here, then, without further ado, are some lies that I might tell you that are, in fact, categorically untrue.
- Your grandfather Jon did never, has never, will never play the bass in Elton John's band
- Neither I, nor any immediate member of your family invented: ethernet cable, taxicabs, clothespegs, turning left or flourescent lightglobes
- There are no fairies, tigers, elephants or hippopotamuses at the bottom of our garden
It's of course also true that there are some things that I'll tell you that might SEEM like lies, but that are absolutely true, namely things like the fact that we seriously considered naming you Pumpkin (ok sorry actually that's a lie too) or that your Uncle David was once on Neighbours, (true), that your great-grandmother once snuck on board a bomber in a run over Germany (true), that your great-great-great-uncle was a world famous author (true), that your grandfather has met the Queen, the Emperor of Japan and three Australian Prime Ministers (but it's your grandmother, punkling, who's kissed two of them) (true). And that's only one side of the family.
Your uncle is a famous football player, your great aunt has sung in the Royal Albert Hall and your great great uncle, punkin, was the Lord Mayor of Dublin.
Gosh that looks like a lot to look up to and work towards. Of course, I'm going to be deleriously happy and immensely proud if you decide to be a plumber. As long as you give your poor destitute old man a discount, that is.
Oh, one more thing.
I didn't invent the lawnmower either.