boys and girls

According to all of the relevant literature, pumpkin, it is about now that you will be deciding whether to be a boy or a girl.

Personally, I can see little genuine reason for choosing either, given the enlightened society in which we are privileged to live, but here's a few pointers to help you make your decision.

• Boys, it seems, are better at hand-eye co-ordination, enabling such pursuits as football and videogames to be undertaken more easily

• Girls are able to see and differentiate between colours more effectively than boys, making them far better at dressing themselves and choosing which colour we should paint the living room

• Men have greater upper body strength than women, which means that they are better at taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn

• Women have a higher tolerance for pain, and more stamina than men, making them the perfect candidates for being pregnant, giving birth, and taking care of men

As you can see, the scales are fairly evenly balanced, so the whole thing's a bit of a cointoss as far as all that goes. I guess the bigger question is how your sex will effect your mum and I.

It's easy for us to say that as long as you're healthy, we're happy (that's Not True, pumpkin, you're expected to be highly intelligent and very pretty as well), but I don't have a preference as to your gender. Either way, you will be shown the spectrum of the wonder that the world has to offer you.

Your uncle Dave's going to take you to the footy regardless. (another expectation, however unrealistic, is that you will be required to barrack for Carlton) We will only ask of you that you don't allow anyone to place barriers on what you can and can't do because of your sex.

It's a fairly well known fact around the traps, my punkin, that your Dad owns a lemon yellow ballgown, and has been known to wear it in public. I guess what I'm saying here is that, if you need to be a princess every now and then, that's ok too.

Love you pumpkin.