September 22, 2004

A parental manifesto

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all pumpkins are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, parents are instituted among people, deriving their just powers from the need of the pumpkin to be housed, clothed and fed. That whenever any single parent becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the pumpkin to telephone its grandparents, and to complain loudly, although it is unlikely that this will do any good.

To that end, certain rules, rights and responsibilities have been crafted that are designed to enable the harmonious functioning of the household. They include, but are not limited to, the following:

  1. Pumpkins must agree to remain cute until at least their third year, so that their father is not tempted to sell them when they misbehave later
  2. Parents hereby undertake to provide food, shelter and clothing to pumpkin, on the proviso that it is the food, shelter and clothing of parental choosing, rather than pumpkin's
  3. Pumpkin must agree to minimise the number of times that pumpkin undertakes activities specifically designed to induce cardiac arrest in caregivers to one per 24 hour period
  4. Parents agree to limit the number of comments referring to pumpkin's musical choices, although retaining the right to attempt to influence this by playing Jimi Hendrix very loudly
  5. Pumpkin must attempt to refrain from playing the following games with Purdey and Kudra:
    • Horsey
    • Ear pulling
    • Poking
    • Wakeup Hitting
nb: wakeup hitting is a game enjoyed by many, in which one quietly approaches a sleeping target, then begins hitting them, shouting "wakeup hitting! wakeup hitting!"

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