February 01, 2005

Mr Watson, come here, I want you

Much has been written in the annals of history, my darling pumpkin, about the effects on society of the telephone.

That was mostly, in my opinion, because none of those erstwhile authors had the opportunity to witness the joy provided by the Bellyphone(tm).

The Bellyphone(tm) is accessed via a close personal relationship with your wonderful mother. To use the Bellyphone(tm),one leans close to her beautiful belly, places one's lips on her belly button, and says in a loud, clear voice "Hello pumpkin, this is your father speaking.".

When last I spoke to you in this manner, it was to tell you of the arrival of Australia Day. Obviously to reiterate what I said at that time will be semi-extraneous, but we must be loyal, pumpkin, to our ever expanding audience of Lovely Readers.

On the Bellyphone on Australia Day, my words to you were about your nationality, about patriotism. About the fact that you will be blessed with a dual nationality on birth, a trait you will share with many of your relatives. There was at one time a push by your father to become the first in the family to hold triple nationalities, but this fell by the wayside when he returned from the US in 1997.

Enough about me, though, let's talk about you.

You, pumpkin, will be both British and Australian, as is your grandfather and your uncle David. LindaNana is both American and Australian, as is one of your other grandfathers. By the time you are born, the plan is that your mother and I will also be both British and Australian, although it is entirely likely, given the timeframe involved (business end of the pregnancy, remember?) that this will not occur.

Whilst I'm not sure how this duality will affect you in the short term, let me lay down a few laws of the land before we get started.

1. Football refers to the sport played on the hallowed turf of the MCG by the Mighty Blues. Other, inferior sports such as soccer and American football should be referred to by these names and no other.

2. Australia is the greatest pound for pound sporting nation on Earth. You are required to barrack loudly for Australia at all times, particularly when in the company of people from other countries (except in the case of the odious Lllleyton Hewitt. He Had It Coming).

3. Australian beer is pound for pound the best beer in the world. There are exceptions to this rule, which I will explain to you at great length once you're old enough to pay for your shout.

Love you.

1 comment:

Feisty said...

My dear Pumpkin,
Your uncle Tom (as with the rest of your family in the UK) will no doubt testify that soccer is really called "Football" and that which your father calls "Football" is actually "Aussie Rules", otherwise known as a sanctioned, team-participation form of fighting, or alternatively, a complex drinking game, the rules of which include running about in tight shorts before week long binges of alcohol and/or blondes, and ending up with a tribunal. There's also a wooden spoon involved, but I'm not sure if that presupposes that there are any cooking elements to the game. I rather hope not.